The Erudition of Nutrition

If only I were gluten free,
Then everything would be alright.
No more sagging lethargy
The world would soon be fair, and bright.

If only I were sugar free,
Then everything would be alright.
Insulin would be my friend
Again, and I'd regain my might.

If only I were red meat free,
Then everything would be alright.
Cholesterol would then soon flee
If only I could see the light.

If only I were caffeine free,
Then everything would be alright.
Jittery I would not be
And juiced, I might sleep through the night.

If I could get more Vitamin D,
Then everything would be alright.
The Sun won't do enough for me,
So little golden pills I bite.

If I could cut out all the Carbs,
Then everything would be alright.
Chicken breasts on oily greens
With cheese to make it outtasight.

Alcohol is evil; everybody knows.
It warbles every dendrite, it stiffens up your toes.
Even though it makes you warm, and loosens up a scene
Chronic use makes you obtuse, soon you're behind the mean.

Could I go back to '65
Then everything would be alright.
Takasaki could be stopped
HCFS would be no blight.
High Fructose.
Corn Sugar.
It only rhymes with booger.
This stuff is inside everything
Avoiding it is so tiring.

I need some "5-Hour Energy"
That stuff cannot be good for me.
I only eat fresh greens and cheese
Some chicken, fish, and things like peas.

So we can't meet for coffee,
Or pizza, beers or steak.
But I'll be sitting at my screen
Between the bathroom breaks.
I'm really dull and listless,
But everything's alright.
At least that's what I tell myself
Before I go to bed each night.

If I should die before I wake
I pray my soul the Lord to take.
And in the house that's made for me
There'd better be Starbucks. Coffee.